This body has to be fit to measure,

Slice and dice until I am perfect.

I am just the person you always wanted.

Trim a little off of the nose,

fix my eyes,

I don’t want them to look deeply any more.

Dye this hair brown,

make it wavy,

as it cascades over my shoulders.

Cover up the spot,

you kissed,

just before you had to go...

I don’t want anyone else to know.

Make this body,

an hour glass figure.

I want to look sickly pale,

and anorexic flat.

I don’t want to be the person I use to call me anymore.

 

The reflection in the mirror that I see,

tells me a story I don’t want to hear.

1834 Westlake road,

around the corner from the sleep all night inn,

make a dash to the convenient  store.

Let me ask if they remember the girl,

that looked like she had the world.

The girl with the eyes that started so deep,

and hair that never covered her shoulders.

I don’t want anyone to recognize me.

 

Cut all of the imperfections from me.

I want to see my bones when I look down.

Make this skin soft.

Make these teeth sparkle.

Cover up the scars,

they won’t get me far.

Paint these fingernails.

Clean the skin our from underneath them,

I don’t want you on me.

Make me beautiful.

Make me pretty.

Make me hate me.

Make me fit to measure.

I want to be the person,

you always wanted me to be.

I drained my body of all the strength I had left.

Somewhere along the way,

I abandoned myself.

Hope is just what smolders,

after the flame is too weak to burn.

These hands are too busy,

catching tears,

to protect the flame from breath.

Your words settle in the bottom of my stomach,

to evaporate with time,

and find a resting place,

deep in this warring mind.

I never wanted you to be unhappy.

You cry at night,

and fumble over empty bottles,

trying to find just one more,

to wash it all away.

I am too weak to help you,

even if I knew what to say.

What else can I offer you,

but my heart?

When you hold my heart,

hopefully you can feel that feeling too,

that beat that thuds to a different rhythm,

the beat just for you.

 

How do I stop this?

I know this is a mistake.

Never before,

has it been clearer to me,

that you and I,

are meant to be.

 

I need you right now,

this second,

to wait another just won’t do.

I need you.

These feet will run,

until I am on your doorstep.

Let me in,

all I have wanted you to do,

was let me in.

When I hold you with my eyes,

Can you still deny me?

Can you still deny this was not meant to be?

I will cross my heart and hope to…

You know I would never lie to you.

I won’t let you be the girl that got away.

You are the girl that won’t fade,

You are the girl I can’t get off of my mind.

You are the girl…that filled my yesterdays.

Tomorrow might not mean a thing,

but today may be my only chance.

Can you feel it? Can you feel it now?

Can you feel this heart beating?

The beat just for you?

can you feel it…?

please tell me you can feel it…

 

Our words will lay eternal,

under this glowing southern sky.

please don’t be the girl that got away…

today may be my only chance,

Can you feel it?

Can you feel this heart beating for you?

This past year,

I have shed more then a couple of tears,

This heart has hurt more,

then I thought it ever could before.

What confusion you have put me through,

I still can’t figure out what about all of this is true.

 

None of it matters though because this heart is battle hardened,

for you these tiny cracks you caused, I have pardoned.

Pen to paper, I paint these pages with our days.

Every second another corner in the maze,

where will we find ourselves in the end?

Lovers or best friends?

These secret glances we send,

others around us can’t even begin to comprehend.

 

I have kept all of our secrets hidden under my tongue,

becoming whispers on the breath as air is sent into my lungs.

Inhaling fresh air, I breath you deeply in.

Keep you somewhere deep within,

No one but us will know the whole truth.

I can’t say I hated spending my youth,

wasting away the hours with you.

Listening to songs and singing the lyrics we knew,

I would sing songs that would make our hearts beat faster.

We are one train wreck, one beautiful disaster.

I would have it no other way.

 

Human error tore us apart,

and fate joins again our two hearts.

Fate knows what our hearts call out for,

and yes baby I am sure.

That when we find our star,

as you play your guitar,

singing out in the overpass,

my intentions as clear as glass,

that one day I promised you many times,

will finally be yours and mine.

That one day I said where everything would be ok

is not tomorrow, it is right here today.

That one day where I said I would hold you tight,

baby that one day is tonight.

That one day where I said nothing else would matter,

it is right here, amidst the cars that clatter,

beneath us.

This is love baby not lust.

I would have it no other way.

Twisting the dial on the stereo,

to turn up the music,

as high as it will go.

Drowning out the voices,

from the memories,

that play continuously in my head.

Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it.

Gripping the pillow against my ears,

tossing and turning against the sheets,

the more I try to silence you,

the louder you seem to get.

This Novocain of music,

won’t work anymore.

I am trying to find my fix,

where is my fix?

If you find my fix,

stick the needle in my arm.

Stick the pill under my tongue,

just silence this voice in my head.

 

I am fighting you but you are stubborn.

You won’t leave this mind,

I made it real comfortable for you.

You liar,

can’t you leave me alone?

Is it not enough that you have invaded my heart,

do you need to claim my mind too?

No instant satisfaction,

from one more beckoning girl,

will fill me with gratification,

like the taste of your kiss.

I won’t  fall for that once more.

I am not ones whore.

Rip these sheets to shreds with my nails,

rid this flesh of your fingerprints.

I will erase you from my life.

Let this music fill my head,

as to cease your memory.

All of the memories,

just fading.

Fade, fade, Fade it, fuck it, fade it.

 

Music as loud as it will go.

The singer is screaming,

something, what is he screaming?

I don’t know.

All I can hear is your voice,

your angelic,

deadly,

blasphemous,

tortuous,

voice.

 

All I can think about is you,

even when I am trying my best,

to forget you.

Once again what I do is not good enough.

My all was not good enough for you,

it is not good enough for your memory.

Maybe I will take that long neck,

I will swallow down the hurricane.

No chaser pills for me,

I want to feel the pain.

I want to think that for once,

you are screaming my name.

 

In the swirl of liquor,

I will forget all that I could not.

I will forget you even if for one moment.

For one moment I will be at peace,

and you will mean nothing.

Everything that you have done,

everything that you have said,

will be nothing but a figment of my imagination.

I will take deep breathes,

as the smoke enters my lungs.

Calm, now.

Calmly, I will sip until the six is gone.

I will puff until I can feel the fire,

burning my fingertips.

Calm, again.

I am calm.

 

I am going to feel this tomorrow.

“We are a secret,

They will never know.”

 

by the tone of your voice,

I could tell you doubted what you said.

Repeating the same line,

Won’t take the sour from the taste,

of the words.

You try to convince yourself,

that someway we will win this war.

All we have won are these scars,

with many more to come.

 

Instead of fighting, I will give in.

Pick myself up,

ready to stumble down again.

I stumble whole,

while you fight becoming just pieces,

of yourself.

“We should fight for our happiness,

We deserve to be happy.”

You said calmly.

 

I ask you to tell me,

ARE YOU HAPPY?

Clawing your way deeper into a hole,

blood shot eyes,

lack of sleep.

Your only friend is the rusty razor,

with his grin.

Fight it, Fight it,

What are you fighting for?!

 

We are a secret.

since when does what makes you happy,

have to be a secret?

Fight tooth and nail,

just so you can conquer,

the remains of your broken kingdom.

Since when does love come with a label?

 

This world will break you,

and if you are not broken yet,

then get ready to shatter.

 

Unrequited love never has a happy ending.

 

Hands of leather brush against this bare skin,

eyes so numb,

stare down at me.

Taught hips push down against mine,

grinding with one low groan from my lips.

She asks me,

“Is this what you want?”

 

Her eyes burn this hole in me,

there is a question just behind her pupil.

Pleading for me to not touch her,

to not use her,

like all the others.

Hot. Sweat. Kisses.

They won’t do anything but bring back memories.

She presses her lips to my neck,

“Do you like it when I kiss you there?”

 

As I laid there I wondered,

what happened to the flame?

that burned so bright in her blue eyes,

it reflected a glow into my own.

Who had the leather hands?

That left those unhealed scars,

which lay hidden under pale skin.

Where was the girl that smiled?

Wanting me to kiss her just one more time,

before I had to go?

 

“Lay still...”

She orders me,

as I shift against the dirty sheets.

Sweat. God is this what they call regret?

My body tells me to touch her.

Hands can’t stay still, as they hold onto her back.

Palms spread and finger nails scraping against her skin,

I wonder who touched her last.

Who left her on that lonely road?

Where the only way to return,

is to lose yourself in every puff from the dro,

the disassociation of ecstasy,

or the prick of the syringe,

as the heroine enters your system.

 

“Touch me, there”

She moves my hand from her back,

and guides it down,

down...down.

The song she always said,

she wanted to give herself away to,

could hardly be heard,

over the pounding of my heart.

I can hear him screaming,

as she moans,

the guitars cry louder,

and he screams out inhabitable words.

I am screaming with these eyes closed tight,

this conscience cannot face her.

 

 

“Touch me here.”

She is broken,

I know that when this is over,

it will mean nothing to her.

A sudden burst of pleasure,

with a stranger.

I bet she can see his face,

the guy with leather hands,

when she opens her eyes looking down at me.

My heart tries to fight it,

knowing I will just be another detour on that lonely road.

 

“Touch me,

Touch me.”

She whispers into my ear,

I let her down.

That pleading question is unheard again,

as these hypocritical hands touch her.

They touch her and take another piece from her,

I wonder how much of her is left,

and how much of the empty shell has taken life’s place.

 

All I wanted to do was love her,

to hold her, and help her forget.

You can’t fix the broken,

with dull and fragile tools.

 

I walk through this city,

without much of a purpose.

Hand in hand I go with the strangers of the night,

street lamp light burning bright.

Four more hours and the sky will set fire,

as the dawn breaks through.

 

This restless mind,

wont let these eyes stay closed.

I am not sure where this road goes,

but I am going to be wherever it ends up.

If I have any luck,

I can find what I have lost on my way there.

Just maybe, if the stars have decided to make amends with me,

I will lose that part of me,

that does not know how to let go.

 

Walking in front of dead buildings,

with cold cars parked in front.

I wonder what the person,

that lives in the pitch black room,

is dreaming about.

When they dream,

do they hold their lover tight?

Do they tell them,

that they love them every night?

or is it just a photograph,

and an empty house,

that they have to remember someone by?

Or, do they even dream at all?

and, I, dont know.

 

I have all I need in my pocket,

to continue this slow walk away,

from my life.

A folded picture,

with creases and fingerprints,

and the letter you wrote me,

That told me you would never let go.

I dont see you on this lonely road.

I cant hear your voice calling,

somewhere faintly,

in the distance of the intersection.

 

The streetlights sway in the wind,

glowing green.

They tell me to let go.

They tell me to leave my heart on this road,

where I have left many memories.

Deposited without care,

into the soil of this ground.

Words from our conversations,

linger hot and heavy in the air.

Every moment of happiness,

is met with one of sorrow.

I dont know if I can face tomorrow,

draped in this guilt.

Would one more word, have stopped you?

Would just one kiss, have made you think twice?

If I had told you, from the deepest bottom of my heart,

that I am lost without you,

would you have believed me then?

If I was to appear outside of your window,

singing our song to the stars that hang on your window sill,

would it have made a difference?

 

You tell me I am your best friend.

That word settles in the bottom of my stomach,

and sends a sickening ripple effect,

throughout this corpse.

My hands are shaking, as I am holding the phone.

I try to control my voice,

but you can hear the tears.

 

You tell me you love me,

I bet you do.

You love me like a friend,

like a best friend.

When she makes you cry,

I am the first voice you want to hear.

I tell you how much I love you,

unlike I did before.

The sound of your voice warms my heart,

and ceases the sickness that your words caused.

Tomorrow, she will be on her knees.

You will look down at her,

and forget everything.

But this heart of mine, cant forget so easy,

what I wish it would.

 

On this road,

maybe I will find,

what it takes to finally forget.

This heart does not want to let you go,

the tears fall now onto this lonely road.

A trail of tears,

to mark my path.

I am lost in this world,

without you to hold in my arms.

To kiss on the cheek,

to hear your heart beating,

as I lay my head on your chest.

 

On this road,

maybe I will find,

the answers to my questions.

 

Or maybe,

at the end of the road,

I will find you waiting for me.

Why, dear girl,

are those tears falling from your eyes?

Those eyes of yours,

should only see clear,

with occasional tears of joy,

trickling down your cheeks.

 

I do not know what words,

will solve this heartache for you.

But my arms are always open, for you.

When you fall into them, know I will catch you.

Tuck you safely against my body,

kiss the top of your head,

and I won’t let you go until you tell me.

Until you tell me to…

 

When you are in my arms,

I will give you all of the world,

that lies in the palm of my hands.

I will tell you, exactly how it feels.

This is not a time for secrets,

this is a time to tell you,

I won’t let anything hurt you.

 

Let this hum cascading from my lips,

and the warmth of my arms,

kiss away those tears.

When you frown,

you make the Angels want to cry.

The cold rain would fall like sorrow,

onto our warm bed of memories.

The worst tragedy,

in our world,

is to see an Angel cry.

So, Angel,

dry your eyes.

 

I keep my promises,

till death do I part.

When my eyes glance at yours,

I smile, a real smile,

for the first time in years.

Hold you closer to me,

as we look into the horizon of the night sky,

our song playing in our ears.

I lean forward and whisper into your ear,

“I promise you that tomorrow,

will be a better day.”

You say, you say…

“As long as there is a tomorrow with you,

I am ok.”

 

We stare into the stars,

each one brighter then the next,

with the moon glowing at us.

No one can find us here,

in the dust trails we have left the present,

to catch up with the past.

Just the two of us,

sitting on hope,

looking up at the stars,

listening to our song.

As I hold you close,

I will never let go,

until you tell me…

 

Sitting here and talking,

knowing exactly what we mean,

by our secret code talk.

Fighting back these tears,

by singing inside of my head.

Distract these thoughts,

from what is happening right here.

I know, this won’t work for long.

You stare at me,

this awkward silence,

you are about to break.

“Will you look at this real quick?”

And we pretend again,

like the conversation we just had,

was just any  other.

I want to ask you,

how you would feel if I was not here,

if I became another life lost in the crowd,

and you would never deal with me again.

“ Sure.” I say, reading patiently.

I look up occasionally into your eyes,

looking for some kind of stopping place,

to ask you if you could live,

without me here.

There is this urge deep down,

to fight this,

to fight you letting go.

What is my life without you?

A sequence of days smudged together,

is that supposed to mean something?

Every day will be like the last,

dead, dull eyes staring into nothing.

I want to ask you if you could live without me,

‘cause I don’t know if I can live without you.

 

how many more nights do I have to sit,

waiting for your call on the phone,

only to know you are with her?

 

I can just think of everything you are doing with her.

She is touching you,

she is kissing you,

she is caressing your hand,

and holding you close.

 

Everything we have said,

All of the memories between us,

they mean nothing to you?

 

When you tell me that you care for me today,

it won't mean anything when you lay in her arms tonight.

You are reckless with hearts,

my body is made of glass,

all of  my organs one menagerie.

With one swift moment,

the words your lips part to say,

You become a bull stuck inside of me.

You break me,

I am shattered.

Irreplaceable.

I must be thrown away.

 

Why won't you throw me away?

leave this beaten dog,

to lick her wounds,

in the safety of her thoughts.

 

All because,

What you say today,

won't mean a thing when you are with her,

tonight.